Stories and Jokes

This blog is for stories of how some of our Universal Life Church ministers are using their ministries and also a collection of amusing and clean religious jokes to make you smile.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Kind Words

Thank you so very much Amy!
You could not have known what this bit of encouragement means right now.  The right words at just the right time.  You too are a wonderful person for even thinking of this mailing.
Again, Thank you.
Brightest Blessings,
 ~Laura

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Universal Life Church


Public schools anymore
Because the word 'God' is mentioned.....
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

NEW School prayer:
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
 
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
 
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
 
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
 
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..
 
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
 
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
 
 
If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on..
Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

Not ashamed. Pass this on.


*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Kind Words

Thank you so much Amy. You are like medicine to  me..Love You: David 
***********************
As a long time member of ULC, I created the seminary site to help train our ministers. We also have a huge selection of Universal Life Church minister supplies. Since being ordained with the Seminary since the beginning, I've watched and facilitated the huge change and growth that has continued to happen.  I also started sending out Kind Words, which has been a huge hit with the congregation.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Kind Words

Dear Rev. Amy Long

First and foremost, THANK YOU for all that you have done to help me with my evolving ministry.  Your guidance, suggestions and willingness to discuss on the phone, "the stuff" the makes being a ULC Minister possible and fun, has helped greatly!  I thought you should know, that for me, you have done well and made it possible for me to be of service!

Also, I wanted to wish you and your family endless Blessings and Prosperity for this Holiday Season and into the New Year!

Very Warm Regards,

Reverend James DiMario
Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Kind Words

Dear Amy:
The Great Spirit, God, the flow of the earth,, must have known I needed your attention and words.  It's almost telepathic; knowing I was bored some years ago in another profession, was one of the main reasons I'm doing what I am.  With sincere appreciation thank you so very much for taking time to speak to this tired confused soul seeking man. 
Your words help..as well as your guidance.
Also I may not get the time to read through all your e-mails on the Seminary courses,  However, I've been saving them for years in a special file just for those e-mails.
Thank you and your great Spirit for all the work you are doing,
Sincerely,
Roy
Universal Life Church 
Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Universal Life Church


In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.

Their father was gone..

The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.

Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.

Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.

The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.

No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.

It was called the Big Wheel.

An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.

She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning.

She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.

She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep

This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job.. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.

The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!

There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.

Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.

I made a deal with the local service station.

In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.

I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.

Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids .

I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.

Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.

A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.

The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.

I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat..

Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.

Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!

I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.

Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes.

There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.

And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop.

THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:



1. 'Yes!'

2. 'Not yet.'

3! have something better in mind.'
God still sits on the throne, and the devil is a liar.
You may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.


*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Monday, November 14, 2011

Kind Words

Hello Amy, I just had to share with you my experience. My brother came to see me from Arizona, and he has studied the bible for some time and been active with his church. He came to see my Mom who I've been caring for, and we started to talk and I shared some reading I've been doing in my studies.

All of a sudden he said "you've changed, you look really good, I can see it in your eyes, you have the Mark I can see it. I was so shocked and complimented. At once it became clear what he was talking about and what Pastor Dan was speaking about in Lesson 2.

My brother was very excited and we had a great discussion which I believe has strengthened our relationship. I finally understand about the Divine Mark, and I do feel truly blessed.
Sincerely,
Rev Patricia

Friday, November 11, 2011

Universal Life Church


YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW
 
Good morning said a woman as she walked up to the man sitting on ground.
The man slowly looked up.

This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new... She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life.

His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before..  "Leave me alone," he growled....

To his amazement, the woman continued standing.

She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away."

The woman's smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. 

"What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone.

Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked..

"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"

The officer scratched his head.  "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"

"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile." 

"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!"  Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.  "Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."
" This is a good deal for you, Jack" the officer answered. "Don't blow it.." 

Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner.  It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived...

The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table.  "What's going on here, officer?" he asked.  "What is all this, is this man in trouble?"

"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered. 

"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business.."

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin.  "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."   

The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled..... "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?" 

"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms." 

"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"

"What business is that of yours?"

I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company."

"Oh." 

The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference."  She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"

"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty." 

"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"
"Yes, mam. That would be very nice." 

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer." 

The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.

"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."   

She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently...  "Jack, do you remember me?"

Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes.  "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar."

"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."

"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly.  He couldn't believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

"I was just out of college," the woman began.. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything.  Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days.  It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."

Jack lit up with a smile.  "Now I remember," he said..  "I was behind the serving counter.  You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy." 

"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it.  I was afraid that you would get into trouble... Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food in the cash register, I knew then that everything would be all right."

"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.

"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up.  Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card.. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons...He's the personnel director of my company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office."  She smiled.  "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet... If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you."

There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he said.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus... He led me to you." 

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways....

"Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.

"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And..And thank you for the coffee"

If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing.

If you have missed some of my emails, you might have missed a laugh.. 

But, if you have missed knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you have missed everything in the world. 

Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be returned to you..
God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love and so small He can curl up inside your heart..

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly!

The  power of one sentence!

God is going to shift things around for you today and  let things work in your favor.

If you believe, send it.
If you don't believe, delete it.

God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close..
If you need God to open some doors for you...send this on.

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing...
LIVE WELL, LOVE MUCH, LAUGH OFTEN 


*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Kind Words

Ya know Amy, these really are a nice little pick-me-up. Thanks for taking the time to do it. You're a good one, yourself.
Julie
Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Kind Words

Amy,

Thank you for taking time to write me such a personal and heart-warming message.
I am touched deeply by your words.
Thank you.

Mark

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Universal Life Church



Truths for Mature Humans

1.                 I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.                 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an
argument when you realize you're wrong.

3.                 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.

4.                 There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.                 How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.                 Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.                 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they
told you how the person died.

8.                 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind
of tired.

9.                 Bad decisions make good stories.

10.             You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

11.             Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
BluRay?  I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12.             I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical
report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13.             "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never
wash this - ever.

14.             I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer?  Drop the
phone and run away?

15.             I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

16.             I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.

17.             I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18.             Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on
when I first saw it.

19.             I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags
in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

20.             I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

21.             How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before
you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a
word they said?

22.             I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!

23.             Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants
never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24.             Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and
dumber every year?

25.             There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

26.             As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always
hate bicyclists.

27.             Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

28.             Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
every time!




Expecting life to treat you well because you are
a good person is like expecting an angry bull not
to charge because you are a vegetarian.
                                                       -- Shari R. Barr

*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kind Words

Amy, this is awesome!!  I am so proud to be a part of this seminary!!  Keep sending wonderful information.......and spreading your Awesome LIGHT!!
Love and Blessings,
Deb

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.