Stories and Jokes

This blog is for stories of how some of our Universal Life Church ministers are using their ministries and also a collection of amusing and clean religious jokes to make you smile.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Kind Words

Ya know Amy, these really are a nice little pick-me-up. Thanks for taking the time to do it. You're a good one, yourself.
Julie
Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Kind Words

Amy,

Thank you for taking time to write me such a personal and heart-warming message.
I am touched deeply by your words.
Thank you.

Mark

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Universal Life Church



Truths for Mature Humans

1.                 I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.                 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an
argument when you realize you're wrong.

3.                 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.

4.                 There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.                 How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.                 Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.                 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they
told you how the person died.

8.                 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind
of tired.

9.                 Bad decisions make good stories.

10.             You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

11.             Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after
BluRay?  I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12.             I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical
report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13.             "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never
wash this - ever.

14.             I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer?  Drop the
phone and run away?

15.             I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and
then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

16.             I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.

17.             I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18.             Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on
when I first saw it.

19.             I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags
in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

20.             I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

21.             How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before
you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a
word they said?

22.             I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!

23.             Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants
never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24.             Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and
dumber every year?

25.             There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

26.             As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I
hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always
hate bicyclists.

27.             Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

28.             Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
every time!




Expecting life to treat you well because you are
a good person is like expecting an angry bull not
to charge because you are a vegetarian.
                                                       -- Shari R. Barr

*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kind Words

Amy, this is awesome!!  I am so proud to be a part of this seminary!!  Keep sending wonderful information.......and spreading your Awesome LIGHT!!
Love and Blessings,
Deb

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Universal Life Church


She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'


Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'


The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'


Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.


The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ' Mom , I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom ..' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else.. Always wanting to help others if he could.'


Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.


The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.


She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.


It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. 

The letter said:

'Dear Mom ,


I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom , even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know.

Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place.. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop thi s letter off to you. G od sai d for me t o give you the answ er to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He when I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.


Oh, by the way, Mom , no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.


Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that,
AND NEVER FORGET I LOVE YOU!


Signed with Love from God, Jesus,Gabriel & Me.

*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Kind Words

Amy,
Thank you!  Your kind comments really give me a lift today.  It is so true that we often impact the lives around us and do not see the impact.  I have been blessed on a couple of occasions to have some visit me after some years have passed and listen to their testimony how they were impacted by something I said or did years ago.  I see that as a divine pat on the back sometimes.

Thanks for your ministry and being a blessing to so many through ULC!
In Christ's love,
Dan

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Universal Life Church



The Wooden Bowl

 I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl
tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.  The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.  The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.  When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.  The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do something about father,' said the son.  'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor..'  So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.  There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.  Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.  The four-year-old watched it all in silence.  One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.  The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.  Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no
word was spoken, both knew what must be done.  That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.  For the remainder of his
days he ate every meal with the family... And for some reason, neither husband nor wife
seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as
making a 'life..'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But, if you focus on God,
your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.  People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar
 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Kind Words

Hi  Rev. Amy,
I appreciated Lesson 4 of your spirituality course; I enjoyed the adept example of quantum mechanics and the ever present fact of God.  I am ending a Lutheran ministry and in the
process of establishing a place of meaningful worship within our one rule "Harm none";
  Keep me on your mailing list; I definitely will sign up for classes- we all need inspiration from other minds.
   Blessings of your choices
Sincerely,

  Rev.Charise Anderson
Universal Life Church 

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free,  and lasts for life, so use the Free Online Ordination, button.We also offer many free wedding ceremonies for your use.  We also offer some kind words, mailed weekly, to brighten your spirit.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Universal Life Church


SCARS OF LIFE

     Some years ago,
On a hot summer day
In South Florida ,
A little boy decided to go
For a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into
The cool water,
He ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water,
Not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear,
He ran toward the water,
Yelling to his son as loudly
As he could.

Hearing his voice,
The little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn
To swim to his father.
It was too late.
Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

>From the dock,
The father grabbed his little boy by the arms
Just as the alligator
Snatched his legs...
That began an incredible
Tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father,
But the father was much
Too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams,
Raced from his truck,
Took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital,
The little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack
Of the animal.
And, on his arms,
Were deep scratches
Where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort
To hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter
Who interviewed the boy
After the trauma,
Asked if he would
Show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter,
'But look at my arms.
I have great scars
On my arms, too.
I have them because
My Dad wouldn't let go.'

You and I can identify
With that little boy.
We have scars, too.
No, not from an alligator,
But the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars
Are unsightly and have
Caused us deep regret.
But, some wounds,
My friend,
Are because God has refused
To let go.
In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
Holding on to you...

The scripture teaches that
God loves you.
You are a child of God.
He wants to protect you
And
Provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life
Is filled with peril -
And we forget
That the enemy is waiting
To attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have
The scars of His love
On your arms,
Be very, very grateful.
He did not and will not ever let you go.


*******************************

The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have various classes in Christianity, one on Wicca, along with several Pagan courses, more than a few courses about Metaphysics with more being added regularly.

Ordination with the Universal Life Church, is free, legal and lasts for life, so please take advantage of our Free Online Ordination.

The  ULC, run by Rev. Long, has created a chaplaincy program to help train our ministers. We also have a huge catalog of minister supplies.  I've been ordained with the Universal Life Church for many years and am proud to have started the Seminary.


Try our new free toolbar at: ULC Toolbar